forgive me

So, I cant sleep and decided to write another blog for those of you who read it. Looking around campus ive noticed how few people are really happy, some of these people are just walking around UT doing whatever their parents told them to do that will make them the most money…

On a separate note, ive been a nervous wreck today. The sole reason is that I realized im failing two classes, one of which there is noway to recover from, and on top of that I have NO idea how to do my math, so I gave up. All ive ever wanted to do was go to college and make my mom happy.

For those of you who don’t know, my mom never went to college, because in that time in her life she was very poor. She married a man she never loved in order to have a better life, and was dragged all over the world, beaten by her drunk husband, betrayed by the people she loved, and never trusted anyone else. On top of all of that, she finally found somewhere she could make peace, The Catholic Church… she stuck with Church even when her family told her she was going to hell because of where she attended church… after all that, even the Church betrayed her (atleast in her eyes). As ive written before, my Mom was diagnosed with cancer in 2001, and felt as though God had betrayed her. She called a priest into her hospital room and asked if he would pray with her. His response? “im here to coordinate the Mass service. Not to pray with the sick. Youll have to find someone else.” My mom lived for 10 years with cancer eating through her body, and she wanted to see me graduate and do well in college.

All ive been able to think of all day is how I don’t even believe I can make it through my courses in this university, and how I just feel like a complete failure. And my over reactions just make that feeling worse. Everyone has those days when they KNOW they aren’t good enough? This is mine… and all I want to do is sleep, nut with so many thoughts rushing around, I cant even do that right.

On the bright side, the 29^th, what is now today, is a very special day for kelsie and me! ]

Im trying so hard to do all of this right. But it seems like the more I do of what mom wanted, the harder I fail.

if ive been a dick to anyone, i hope you inderstand a little of why...

sometimes

First off, I guess I should start off by telling you what some of my beliefs (however stupid they may be) about life are.

1) Every person on this planet can be happy. You just have to find where you will be happy… when you find WHERE, the WHO will be waiting there... think about it, if you want to find a person you are happy with, shouldn’t you look in the place you are happy?

2) Building off of number 1, everyone has someone out there for them. You do, I do. Everyone does. Find them, they won’t just come.

3) Sometimes, something goes wrong in a relationship. This can range from a peaceful Goodbye to a Hell-Bent roller coaster of disaster, causing you to ask “is he/she worth it?” some people will tell you threes no answer to that question, there is…

Sometimes we all ask ourselves why things happen to us, every person on this planet does it. We fail a test, we lose our keys, we get sick, and we lose a loved one. Sometimes things can be so life changing that we start looking to answers in other places; we let Doubt rear its head and make us forget that the pain will be over soon. Instead of family, dreams, and remembering good times, we look to books, videos and anything else we can get our hands on in order to find out what, at that point, we call the truth. Sometimes when we find those answers we can feel enlightened. But at the same time it can ruin you while you try to find it.

You will see your loved ones again. They will remember and love you again oneday, no need in spending 5 months looking for the answer when you know it all along. You need to go with what you believe. Love yourself enough to.

Time for a different point, when something goes wrong between two people that cause them to part ways, sometimes peoples paths cross again.

When this happens, sometimes we can’t help but as the question, “is it worth it”. The answer was given to me by a middle aged man I met in a store one day; he said something along the lines of, “it’s never a question of if the PERSON is worth the time, effort, or love. People are always worth this. It’s a question of timing. You have to ask yourself what’s happening in your life. The timing wasn’t right the first time, if you look deeply enough, it all comes down to that… maybe the timing is right this time”

I’ve never heard it put better than that. The timing is right.

always hold your head up high, its a long way down.

its been a long time, i think I'm going to start trying to make this a weekly thing... i guess i have no reason not to. College is going decent and has taught me so much about life. I understand so much more than I originally did about life, and as i learn more about it, i realize how much more i DON'T know. my time management skills are still terrible, but I'm learning. Also, thanks to a very important person, Ive decided to take my Moms advice to heart and do what actually makes me happy, and I am finally spending more time on art, and finally making the types of things my mom would have wanted me to. I know this would make her so happy, and I'm finally finding my own way.

First of all, I have learned to see things from other peoples perspectives. I never used to do this at all, and I wish I had earlier. . . I think learning this came from meeting so many new people who are so much different from myself, and making friends with people who I never thought I would. Its gotten to the point to which i hate seeing people eat alone, i feel the need to walk with someone who is alone. Ive been trying hard to do the right things lately, old habits die hard i suppose. i guess i just want everyone to know that i really am trying.

I guess the most important thing Ive learned is that every one of us has to make our own path, and we have to be happy in it. There is nothing worse than being so unhappy with your life that it seems uncertain what to do next. I think the most important thing that i have learned so far is that we all have to make our own happiness, and make our own way in life. that's what I'm seeing every one try to do here. everyone has their majors and their path set out for them, just trying to make it, but have you wondered how many people are truly happy? i would imagine not too many... I have decided that at some point right after college i am going to join the Peace Corps, i want to help people. I'm finally finding whats right for me.

update

So, I guess its time for me to update those who care. My mother, Kathleen K. McConkey passed away on February 2nd, 2010. During all these trials I have learned so much. I have realized the unending love that my Mother had for me, and that everything she ever did was because she loved me. Even though she is gone, and I no longer feel her here, all of the things she taught me will live on. Do I miss her? Yes. I think about her every single day. Yes, I was there when she died. I help her hand, and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do so far in my life. But at the sane time, just knowing that she was no longer in any pain somewhat lessened that which I felt. Some people have given me great advice through all of this. Once, I asked someone when I would stop thinking about it. His answer hurt and helped with its sincerity and honesty all it the same time. All he said was, "you never will. It just gets easier to think about it." That was the only time I had ever seen that man with any tears in his eyes. I went to school the day after she died, the reason being that i wanted something normal. A long time ago, I remember hearing a saying that said something like "to be truly happy, you must be willing to lose everything." I agree and disagree at the same time. I have lost almost all my material possessions. Everything in my room, I just threw it away. Memories are in your heart. Not in items. I have no home. I'm selling the old one. I'm staying with my sister until college starts, at which time I'm fairly positive I have settled on moving into a dorm. So yes, I have lost nearly everything. The most important of those being my mother. But, I feel a kind of tranquility that if new to me. It comes between the pangs of grief that now plague me daily of the lost time with the first person I ever loved, all the memories fading of the woman who honestly saved my life when she adopted me. During those moments I regret every harsh thing I ever said. Every fight, every stare. I wish I could take it all back. But I will never be able too. When that feeling subsides, I know that I have had a great life. All of which was given to my by her. I am so grateful for everything I had, and for everything I have lost. I like to believe it has humbled me; and, sadly, hardened me all at once. In that respect, I agree with that proverb. But at the same time, I still have a few things I'm not willing to lose. Ever. So, I have proved it wrong and right. I have lost most everything but what's most important to me. And believe me. I'm completely happy with what I have. i couldnt even ask for more. Good luck to all of you making their way through this. Call it hell, call it a battleground, call it what you will and say as you please. But as my mom always told me when I was upset, "mat, you make your own happiness" ... I chose to ba happy and to live this life the best I can. I make my own happiness? Then I choose to start now. :)

wow.

Time for an entry i guess. I have realized a lot over this break, and i guess 2009 in general. Life is a series of ups and downs... recently my downs seem like spirals and i dont know how to bring this back to where it should be. With my mothers condition worsening and just the stress of everyday life getting to me, i have hurt some of the people i love. i deeply regret that and ask you all to forgive me. you all know who you are, every one of you. i just need to make the right decision, and help when i can, and for people to help me. i have realized that at this point in my life i need to relax. i got acepted to UT and i need to be excited for that. i need to chose my path now, and wisely. i have so many choices standing infront of me, i just need to pick. some of these paths i have already decided on. some i havnt, and some i need a lot of help. i am facing the hardest year of my life. i still pray, i do. every day. i wish something would happen to show me that this year will get easier... i also hope my graduation is happy. (those of you who know me know exactly what i mean.)


\\\\\points i need to adress/////

also, there are certain people out there who think im too hard, or think they are going through hell. hey, look. i feel for you. i really do. but look around you, we live in a world full of death and destruction. look around you and see all the people crying out in anguish. their tears and prayers seeming worthless. your life is better than theirs.


i hate NO ONE. i make it a point to never hate a single person on this earth. if you think i hate you, you are wrong. i am a very protective person. and with that trait i make enemies. so be it. if i view you as a threat to me or to someone i love, you will see my actions toward you as hatred. what it is, really, is simply taking care of the threat.

and BTW, i would trade some aspects of life with most people in a heartbeat. look at how i live and all that i have done. im sorry for whats happened to you. i really am. but please look at the bright side... yours can still talk...

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.You'll fight with your best friend.You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Next blog should be up sometime tonight. An experience from a Hospital