update

So, I guess its time for me to update those who care. My mother, Kathleen K. McConkey passed away on February 2nd, 2010. During all these trials I have learned so much. I have realized the unending love that my Mother had for me, and that everything she ever did was because she loved me. Even though she is gone, and I no longer feel her here, all of the things she taught me will live on. Do I miss her? Yes. I think about her every single day. Yes, I was there when she died. I help her hand, and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do so far in my life. But at the sane time, just knowing that she was no longer in any pain somewhat lessened that which I felt. Some people have given me great advice through all of this. Once, I asked someone when I would stop thinking about it. His answer hurt and helped with its sincerity and honesty all it the same time. All he said was, "you never will. It just gets easier to think about it." That was the only time I had ever seen that man with any tears in his eyes. I went to school the day after she died, the reason being that i wanted something normal. A long time ago, I remember hearing a saying that said something like "to be truly happy, you must be willing to lose everything." I agree and disagree at the same time. I have lost almost all my material possessions. Everything in my room, I just threw it away. Memories are in your heart. Not in items. I have no home. I'm selling the old one. I'm staying with my sister until college starts, at which time I'm fairly positive I have settled on moving into a dorm. So yes, I have lost nearly everything. The most important of those being my mother. But, I feel a kind of tranquility that if new to me. It comes between the pangs of grief that now plague me daily of the lost time with the first person I ever loved, all the memories fading of the woman who honestly saved my life when she adopted me. During those moments I regret every harsh thing I ever said. Every fight, every stare. I wish I could take it all back. But I will never be able too. When that feeling subsides, I know that I have had a great life. All of which was given to my by her. I am so grateful for everything I had, and for everything I have lost. I like to believe it has humbled me; and, sadly, hardened me all at once. In that respect, I agree with that proverb. But at the same time, I still have a few things I'm not willing to lose. Ever. So, I have proved it wrong and right. I have lost most everything but what's most important to me. And believe me. I'm completely happy with what I have. i couldnt even ask for more. Good luck to all of you making their way through this. Call it hell, call it a battleground, call it what you will and say as you please. But as my mom always told me when I was upset, "mat, you make your own happiness" ... I chose to ba happy and to live this life the best I can. I make my own happiness? Then I choose to start now. :)