forgive me

So, I cant sleep and decided to write another blog for those of you who read it. Looking around campus ive noticed how few people are really happy, some of these people are just walking around UT doing whatever their parents told them to do that will make them the most money…

On a separate note, ive been a nervous wreck today. The sole reason is that I realized im failing two classes, one of which there is noway to recover from, and on top of that I have NO idea how to do my math, so I gave up. All ive ever wanted to do was go to college and make my mom happy.

For those of you who don’t know, my mom never went to college, because in that time in her life she was very poor. She married a man she never loved in order to have a better life, and was dragged all over the world, beaten by her drunk husband, betrayed by the people she loved, and never trusted anyone else. On top of all of that, she finally found somewhere she could make peace, The Catholic Church… she stuck with Church even when her family told her she was going to hell because of where she attended church… after all that, even the Church betrayed her (atleast in her eyes). As ive written before, my Mom was diagnosed with cancer in 2001, and felt as though God had betrayed her. She called a priest into her hospital room and asked if he would pray with her. His response? “im here to coordinate the Mass service. Not to pray with the sick. Youll have to find someone else.” My mom lived for 10 years with cancer eating through her body, and she wanted to see me graduate and do well in college.

All ive been able to think of all day is how I don’t even believe I can make it through my courses in this university, and how I just feel like a complete failure. And my over reactions just make that feeling worse. Everyone has those days when they KNOW they aren’t good enough? This is mine… and all I want to do is sleep, nut with so many thoughts rushing around, I cant even do that right.

On the bright side, the 29^th, what is now today, is a very special day for kelsie and me! ]

Im trying so hard to do all of this right. But it seems like the more I do of what mom wanted, the harder I fail.

if ive been a dick to anyone, i hope you inderstand a little of why...